Well ladies, it appears that my procrastination in the summer ’08 swimsuit purchase has proved a terrible decision.  As you may recall, in one of my recent blogs the Swimsuit was listed as one of our least favorite clothing items on which to spend money.  To be honest, I couldn’t agree with that statement more.  I loathe spending money on bathing suits because, no matter what the cost, they’re still going to get faded out, scuffed up, and bent out of shape by the time Labor Day rolls around.

I put off my bathing suit purchase this season not so much because of the cost, however, but this season I’m shopping as an entirely different person with a different body.  Oddly enough, I haven’t gained any weight…

…Well, that’s what the scale tells me anyways.  It’s incredibly likely that I may have come home one night from the bar and reset the calibration to yield a more desirable outcome. 

My body shape changed, not severely, but enough for me to want a more modest tankini, or maybe a chic one piece (I think those retro 50’s suits are just PRECIOUS).  My string bikini days are over, along with my sequin tube top days, and my frayed denim mini skirt days.  You know¬¬¬– the 18 year old clothes.  I can still remember the day I went through my closet and threw out anything that I considered underage club wear.  Talk about your roller coaster of emotions.  I ranged from Complete Depression, realizing my naïve, blissfully ignorant days were over, to Total Elation, realizing my naïve, blissfully ignorant days were over.

But back to the bathing suit.

I’m going to be spending two weeks of August at the beach: one with my boyfriend, one with my family.  I set a budget of about 50 dollars, (give or take 10, depending on the fabulousness).  I went to department stores first, thinking they have large selections of swim wear, and hopefully, at large discounts since it’s the middle of the summer. 

There were a reasonable number of swimsuits at my first stop.  After some browsing, I came to the conclusion that there are two types of women shopping for moderately priced swim apparel.

1.  Girls who remain at their High School Weight (I like to use the phrase, “at their prime”)

And

2.  Grandmothers

I’m not kidding you.  Try it.  Go into your closest Macy’s and envision yourself a girl in your mid-20’s.  Pre-children.  Pre-husband.  Post Undergraduate weight.

For those of you skinny witches who never had the issue of Post Undergraduate Weight, it’s ten pounds distributed around the thighs, abdomen, hips, and for the truly lucky (me!) upper arms.

I stifled a laugh at the polarization of the swimwear.  It was either triangles and strings or full body suits with skirts.  Bright and print or neutral and solid.  The claim of hippest on the beach or the promise of a tummy concealed by rouching.

Somehow I found five suits.  Three of them outside of my budget.  One of them a bikini. 

The dressing room scene was a laugh riot.  I haven’t bought a bathing suit as I stocked up one year as a spring break bound collegian.  I’ve forgotten the challenge it is to get into- and out of- new swimwear.  I spent far too long tucking things in, heaving things out, yanking things up, all to only dismiss the suit as an atrocity against women.  I was fighting with the spandex, and the spandex was surely winning.

Five suits later, none of them suit me.

Totally deflated, I bought a new dress to ease my pain, and flounced home.

As recommended to me by a friend, my next day shopping was spent successfully at Target (though I must have tried on 10 suits).  My find was a conservative two piece with an ample bottom for my ample bottom.  Even luckier, I spent under forty dollars!

Next year I will surely be ahead of the game, and purchase a swim suit before August rolls around.