If there is one thing I’ve learned after almost a decade of life coaching it is that we women have a hard time saying no.  Yep, just as sure as the sights and sounds of the holidays begin, my phone starts to jingle with calls. 

Although the details are individual, the issues are quite similar, as are the reasons for saying yes when they really want to say no.  When we get to the heart of it, most often the yes choice is out of consideration for the feelings of others, to please, make them happy, bring joy.  But at the expense of not wanting to be a “Scrooge” by disappointing others, we end up disappointing ourselves.  I know, I know, I have heard every reason and excuse there is but the bottom line is that when we keep giving away little pieces of our precious time and energy, and putting our desires last, we run the very real risk of becoming exactly what we wanted to avoid in the first place…behaving like a bona fide, bah-hum-bug, Scrooge!
Understandably there are requests and occasions that will be an absolute yes.  You’ll know when this is the case.  One good example might be attending a recital in which your child is performing.  But when it isn’t such an obvious yes, how do we choose our yeses wisely? 

Somehow we make this far more complicated than it really is.  The easiest decision maker is your gut reaction.  It’s called that for a reason.  Normally when we know something isn’t right for us we get a body signal.  For a lot of us that signal is a tightening in our stomach, muscles going into a knot.  Unfortunately we don’t always pay attention to the wisdom of our mind and body working together. 

So here’s a little assignment for you if you’d like to experience your happiest holiday season ever.  Say no to absolutely every thing you don’t want to do… obvious exception being the genuine parental responsibilities of caring for your children.  This does not mean however buying them everything on their wish list. 

When someone asks you to do something, attend a function, bake cookies or whatever, take a breath before accepting.  Ask yourself if you really want to do this.  If it isn’t an absolute yes (in your gut) then it’s a no.  Saying no can feel so harsh, so cold, so…well…Scroogie at first.  But with a little practice it begins to flow eloquently and graciously.  Oh, and resist the temptation to over-explain, provide excuses and reasons why you’re saying no.  Simply and pleasantly saying something like, “Thank you for asking but I am going to have to say no this time.”  If people ask why then they are being rude.  It’s really that simple. 

The art of saying no becomes a little more difficult when it comes to family and close friends.  This is especially true if we’ve been yessing ourselves to death, accepting every invitation and request for years.  In these cases you can always soften the no, padding it with something such as, “Oh, I wish I could…but…I am going to have to say no this time…maybe next year.” 

As silly and basic as this all might sound I can’t begin to tell you how many stories I’ve listened to over the years from highly intelligent, professional women who were reduced to tears while trying to muster up “the right way” to say no to going to their sister-in-law’s house for Christmas dinner for the fourth year in a row.  I think we’ve all experienced our share of begrudgingly going/doing/being/buying something that should have been on our absolute no list in the first place.

If all else fails ask a child under the age of five for a few tips.  They seem to have no problem what so ever saying no…and meaning it! 

Happiest Holiday Ever,
Judy

Judy Harrison is a life coach who specializes in coaching women who are ready to live more meaningful, intentional daily lives.
http://www.judyharrison.com